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PeaceForceBlows
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Name: Cari
Location: Illinois, United States
Birthday: 6/28/1987
Gender: Female
Interests: I hate listing hobbies.....makes me feel unfufilled
Being generally cool
Watching films(is thta totally dorky. of what?)
Reading
Expertise: HEHE...we dont need to go into that. do we?
Occupation: Student
Industry: Art
Message: message me
Member Since:
7/15/2003
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| so i'm having a shitty day all because i didn't do anything all day. i have this problem that if i sit around all day i feel really bad about myself and my life and everybody else. It's really important for me to get dressed and do something with my life.
So i crashed my car again...or rather my car got hit. im starting to feel really bad about my driving skills...even though i actually i think i just have terrible luck because im actually a really good driver now. I think i got hit because i was really mean to a sales assistant at the mall. In any case, it's actually very nice not having to drive now....it takes a whole weight off my chest...i don't have to make daily plans.
The other nice thing about not having a car is that i have an excuse not to start this second job i took. it's a 45 minute drive from myself and didnt even pay enough to cover the gas...but i was helping a lady who used to manage at bakers square. so i got out of that.
What I'm stressed out about today is all the people that i haven't spoken to in forever. i have this major guilt issue which stops me from being honset with myself and others. i'm timid like my mom and i worry way to much about what people think of me. Instead of just letting things slide and moving on or finishing them, i just procrastinate but never take them off my list of things to do. like the list of people i 'should' call. what the fuck is that? i 'shouldn't' call anyone. i call who i want when i want. i hate phones...cell phones...i don't really want to get ahold of a lot of people...i don't want the hassle....but seriously i need to deal with this guilt shit. i'm not a bad person...i may make sucky desiscions but life is not over.. and i'm still a hardworking good person. I think i need to learn to be honset...i don't mean not l;ying. but honsety within myself...it will give people around me less negativity. Like there is always a process of justification that i go through, with everything i say or do...It particulary comes up with things like friendships. or my relationship with dan (mostly during sex). For example, i haven't spoken to pauline in forever. at first i didnt call because i didnt want to feel bad about missing her...then it was because i hadn't call in so long....then it was because i didnt want to tell her i couldnt come to graduation...and now it's because who the fuck am i to call her after like three months...i'm the bitch who didnt call? The truth of the matter is that i didnt call not because i'm a bad person or friend...but because life is hectic and hard...and half the time you can't get through...and the other half you do and you feel terrible because you're not with the person. Again...i blame all of life's problems on phones. lol..I'm also not honset with things like my therapy...i sort of am...but i always feel like im lacking in something like leaving somethings out. like why can't i go to therapy and talk about being harrassed or molseted or whatever you want to call it by a construction worker when i was 7. or why don't i talk about my struggles not to cut myself. or how fat i feel? or how i can't tell my boyfriend what i like in bed? i know none of those things seem related, but it's all this shit that is built inside of me that i don't want people to know. but seriously what is so wrong with any of the above statements. why are they so untouchable? i wish i was one of those easy-going i can talk about anything people....but i am so not. I'm working on it...but the thought of actually talking to my therapist constructively is scary. what if my problems get fixed? what will i have if i don't have the crouch of depression...what if my problems actually exist and need to be dealt with? worse yet....what if they are no big deal? Even though nothing that could come out of therapy would be bad....i'm still terrified. terrified of some invisible consiquence. it's absolutely mind-blowing how i let my own mind bring me down. i want to be able to let go...but i how do i let go if i'm so closed shut? i'm so worried about everything...so worried about what everybody thinks....even writing this...who will read this...what will they think of me...who's gonna make a comment...who's not...and honestly WHO THE FUCK CARES? i only write on here when i feel like shit and i happen to be at home alone. i only write to straughten my thoughts....so i can get some sleep. ok...so i vow to go to therapy on tuesady and actaully talk...i don't know how...i feel like bringing Dan along...like somehow he'll save me...lol...but the truth is...there's nothing to be saved from...i don't have to save face...there's only me to impress....and that shouldnt be too hard. if took me three days from when i decided to tell Dan about some guy touching me when i was 7...all he did was smile...tell me he was sorry and if he could find the guy he'd kill...then he hunged me..told me he'd love forever...and forgot...and i felt good for a moment...but all that pressure on myself was what killed me...nothing bad can happen to me...i'm ok. | | |
| im so incredibly fucked for school...i have like an entire semesters worth of work to do in four days. i have like 5 papers to write...and then a bunch of paintings to do...but i supose life will go on won't it? i'm so nervous that i'm sick to my stomach....i don't know what im gonna do about anything related to school...i haven't even signed up for next quarter...this would be the second quarter in a row that i just massively fucked up...and the work isnt even that hard....it just has to be done...you know? i want to take a break from school...im not even sure that i'm doing the right thing being in school here....but the fact is i don't know what i want to do with my life and if i take a break from school....what if i never go back? oh life suck.... | | |
| i feel totally isolated...im so isolated that i have to talk to my stupid fucking computer....i dont have anyone to call..i mean that literally...i dont have any friends..or anyone to call to see or to say something comforting...i just realizing that things betweenm me and dan....they have to change...not necessarily in a bad way...but a lot of things have to change...and not all of them need to come from me...as he nicely tries to tell me. i mean i know im unbalanced and terribly depressed...and difficult and demanding...but if he loves me he would get over it....right? i dont know what i think anymore...i've spent months only spending time with my boyfriend...its not healthy...its driving us both insane...we love each other to pieces literally...anyaways...life sucks...i think im gonna seriously die...i cant make decisions...i dont know where my life is going...i havent spoken to a friend...who isnt my boyfriend in weeks...i've become like this pathetic housewife...for example...heres how things work...i stopped having a social life from like august onwards...life was fine...i thought i would meet people at cod...and then it happened and people are the same everywhere...and it was still me...i still felt like a freak...and a dork...and i couldnt make friends with people...ever since my experience at central...i've been terrified of meeting people..so anyways...for like three months life was great with dan...he's the first guy i had sex with...we were infatuated with each other..i wasnt depressed for like a tiny period of my life...so we were content to say fuck the world...we fucked all the time (probably not enough for dan's standards...but i think thats like a universal guy thing right?) and we could literally lay around with each other for hours...nothing mattered...the world would stop for us...dan dropped his friends and made me feel like a princess...he didnt want me to get to know people...and this is the truth...he would have been happy had i never met anybody or spoken to anyone else...i could be his pretty little girlfriend who depended on him, needed him, and gave him what he needed...and i was happy...so i dug myself a whole in the ground...i lay down and i thought that if i made him sandwhichs everyday(which i made every fucking weekend...and still do...for him to eat at work) and i drove him where he needed to go and i spent every waking hour trying to be wiht him...or waiting for him to call....and as time passed..he got used to it...in turn for all this...here's why i did all this for him...it's not like he treated me like crap or anything....on the contrary...he was like a prince...he paid for everything...i mean everything...he took me out...he cuddled me when i cried...he complimented me...and he was like my protection...he was happy being my manly man, and i was his sweet naive little thing...but then we were out of the phase....as all healthy relationships go...it was time for us to realize that regardless of how much we love each other...the rest of the world wont revolve around me and him..puppy love is only cute for like a minute...so why couldnt we progress into the next stage of our healthy relationship? ill tell you why...its because both of us had gotten use to what the other person gave us...dan was now completely my world...i depended on him...i needed him EVERY time i cried...i worried (and still do) incesintly when he didnt call...i wanted to have him only think of me like he did when we first started going out...and i wanted him to rmember how mcuh he needed me...and he wanted me to stay with him forever and he even tried to make me not get a job...because if i didnt get a job...then he would always take care of me...i would need him...he could make life easy for his princess...but see it isnt like that anymore...and i fought with him and i got my job...and without realizing it...everything changed...suddenly i still needed him all the time....but now he realized he had lost all his friends and all this time with them...so now he wanted to hang out with them all the time...hence the huge fight with mark that i wrote about a couple weeks ago and i hadnt thought of any of this...i took the blame for all of the problems...i dont mean dan blamed me...or even made me feel bad about it....but inside i mentally blamed my self...one more guilt trip layed on me...added to my list of things i should have done. so that i "blew" over it got "fixed" and i am supposed to sit with him as his friends...who i've tried to like....but i LOATHE with every bone in my body and even though i dont want him to stop being friends with them...i think he owes me more than that....because now i've been sucked in...i dumped my friends (which ill talk about in a second) i dumped my friends for him, because i though he was the answer...a boy likes me...he wants to fuck me...hell take care of me....was i twelve?? so anyways....he's got me hooked on him...he even joked about it with me today...saying im "hooked" on the "dan drug"....and yeah thats funnny....but not really...i get sick like trully frantic...if i dont see him...because i fucked up...i dropped everything for him...and i thought he would do the same for me...but now i realize that was my mistake....no one to blame but me....and he never would do that...that is a fantasy from movies...if we love each other and are meant to be...we could both have lives and learn to work together...why was i childish enough to believe him when he told me "one day the world would be ours"? what was i thinking....i love him...i want to spend my life with him....but you know what happened today? so this morning...i call him...like he asked me to...at like 8:00 and he says..he'll finish work at three and so i do my thing...i dont call him again all day...because im working on not being clinging....and then at three-thirty i call him....and i'm like what's going on? are you almost off of work? and he's like 'i called and you were in the shower so im getting a ride home from my mom" and you know what that means....that means...i wont get to see him....my car is totalled...so i have to beg....i mean fucking sob....to get him to see me...cause i got to work at five...and if i want him to see me ill have to get a ride later after im exhuasted from work...and i shouldnt be hard on him...he's trying to get a car...but seriously what im i gonna do...without him im nothing im isolated....i have NO ONE and i mean no one to call...and i dont want to guilt trip him...but yeah it is because of him...my life has revolved around him...he knows if i had a car i would drive him anywhere...and would he do the same...yes...but only on his terms...and if i got upset there would be a guilt trip...god i dont know what is wrong with me tonight...i dont know if i mean half the stuff im writing i dont even know if im angry at him...i think im angry at me and im just ranting becuase im scared to admit the truth...the truth...that im lonely...and my boyfriend loves me...but im scared to death hell leave me...and that makes me feel desperate...so instead of admitting that i just nag on him...i think the real truth is...life is hard because im depressed...erase everything before this...i have a great boyfriend who pisses me off sometimes...we've been dating for seven months...and our relationship is changing...and thats scary...because things are harder...i have no friends...so i cling on to him...in an unfair way...and i get jealous because his friends dont like me....so i feel mistreated when we hang out with them...there's the truth....i cant hang up the phone with my boyfriend because otherwise im so utterly alone....i think in general i have a problem with over analyzing...thinking im always right and not giving things time...i get scared people will reject me so i reject them first...and when i feel hurt or misunderstood i walk away...but i make sure the other person thinks they're at fault...that way i never have to feel badly about myslef...oh god....somedays i hate myself so much...i hate who i have become..i hate what i am....and i think thats why things are rough wiht dan...i hate myself...so how can i be happy with him? why cant i thank my fucking lucky stars that my boyfriend would do anything to make me happy?!?? why doesnt that alone make me happy...why do i shit all over everything thats good for me? depression is making my judgment blurry though...i cant see in grey...everything is always completely my fault...or someone else...dan was saying today...'life doesn't always go your way' and i couldnt accept it...but he's right..shit happens...its not ALL my fault or ALL his...its life...itll work out...i love him...we arent mistreating each other...we arent going to leave each other...so whay am i so god damned up tight...i have two more things to say...one is to renee: im sorry for so many things...i have so many things that should have been said...and i hope we can talk sometime and that you'll let me say them. to lauren, pauline, johae, cosima, morgan, anyone anyone who knows i owe them a phone call...im sorry that im so self-absorbed...im trying to sort life out...but its hard..harder than i thought...and getting harder....and this is a general comment...i love dan....but i havent had sex in like a week and i just got my period and i think thats why i want to tear him apart...i'm depressed...im exhuasted...i have no friends, because of my own doing, and i havent had good sex in two weeks and no sex in a week...no i take that back...i had sex yesterday and you know what...it fucking sucked...because i had just been crying and i was so fucking depressed...i couldnt even fucking feel it....thats another reason we fight...depression ruins everythings...i hate it...i hate how it seeps into my life everywhere...i cant stop it...i cant even tell the happy things for the depressed things...its like its seeping all the colour out of my world...turning off the lights...and trying to make me guess my way through it.. | | |
| i think im all fucked up again. i'm depressed as all hell. my room is a reck. im exhausted...i dont sleep at night, im bored, im lonely, i feel fat, and pathetic and guilty about how many people i have dragged down with me, and all the situations i have fucked up. even right now im lying to myself...telling myself ill be fine in the morning...veven though i know, tomorrow night is going to be the same being just as miserable, and lonely and out of control...in the morning i will make excuses...i will apologize to dan for keeping him up all night on the phone...ill explain that i was just tired from work and i was being over-emotional...and i am sorry about wasting time and making him feel terrible...and hell forgive and agree and ill go home and get ready for work and cry and feel worse than death and then ill wash my face and put on makeup...and go to work and pretend...ill pretend and itll be easy cause everyone else will help me...everyone will tell that im nice...and good job...and how im the best fucking worker they have and arent you happy that you got the job as server...and ill say yes....and for a second ill feel happy...i mean a split second- and then ill realize that it isnt enough...some stupid-ass job that im too young to have..it's great but it isnt enough...im still a fuck-up there are still a million other things wrong with me that i can't fix...after work ill go see dan...we'll have an ok time...hell think we're having a good time...and so will i for one more second...and then ill realize no, no im not...and i wont say anything, because then he might notice im sad...and then hell get sad and ill feel guilty about making him feel sad and he'll feel like shit because he couldnt make me happy....and then we'll go home and ill cry on the phone with him for hours...and he'll be understanding, but he cant really trully understand because he doesnt get this god fucking awful feeling like im fucking being strangled and suffocated...and like someone is squeezing my heart and they wont let going and they squeeze until i think my hearts going to break...and then they leave me...it leaves me...im alone...and stuck...and everyone has left me because they think im difficult and they cant help...and ill be alone...totally alone...stuck in my own box away from everyone else.. with this secret...this horrible huge secret...the secret that every night i cry...everynight i wonder why i suck and everyone else is swimming and im drowning...and even going to talk to the therapist...it'll be a lie too...because i wont want to admit the full extent of how much it hurts because someone might take something precious from me....the first time it fucked up my parents forever...the next time i got kicked out of school..this time im terrified....so utterly terrified i might loose dan...i might loose the ability to work and to move into an apartment with him and my school work will get fucked up...and in some ways i know that not everything can go right...but god all this is stuff i deserve stuff ive worked hard for....but im ruining it all...im ruining it by lying to myself and pretending to be ok....and im ruining it be telling myself its ok to feel this way...but all that has ever come to me from getting help seems to be more upset. dan and me...we do this thing now...i love him dearly...more dearly than anything i would do anything in the whole world for him...and i know he would do the same...but when i get sad...i mean uncontrollably sad..ill call him...like in the hope that if i stay wiht him..he will witness it...or understand it...or saving me from it...and than everything will be ok...if i couldt just tell him...than he would know...and it wouldnt be a secret...and i wouldnt have to feel guilty or be alone...but it doesnt work...because he listens and is frightened of it...and wants to help...and realizes it's beyond him...and then is upset because he knows i am not well..but we both keep lying about it...because for a little while i can pretend to be ok...and hell say, 'i love you, i spend all my time trying to make you happy, and i never will.' and then its on me...its all on me...its me who has to fix this...but i cant because the secret has become so big...it might explode if i make a wrong move...and i do nothing....and as i sit and do nothing about it...i remember my mother...my crazy mother...who never dealt with her problems and just let them brew until she went over the age...and now she sits at home and cant do anything...thats what's happening to me...i do nothing...except sit around and wait for dan to call...and i never want to make him sad...really all i ever want to call him and tell him i need him, and i love him, and please please dont ever let go....but it gets all messed up over the stupid phone and i cant ever stay calm enough to tell him what i mean...and then he thinks i want him to fix it...to fix it completely...and then again i am reminded of my mother...my mother...who spent all her life waiting for my father to fix it...and i realize the only thing to do it to go back to work tomorrow...try to make through another day...and keep pretending hoping that one day everything will turn out to be real...in the mean time...i will be fake...my accomplishments are fake...my failures are fake...my life is fake...and someday soon...i hope this thing...this awful depression will disappear...because fuck it....i mean seriously and completely fuck it...i have a right to be happy...and to love myself...and my friends...and my boyfriends...i have the right to love my life...and i have a right to not feel guilty...i have done nothing wrong...i didnt ask for this or make this...or wish this...and i will not turn into my mother...but yesterday dan saw something and said that i reminded him of my mother...it was the most awful insult ever...i think for right now...i need to take up a hobby...something aside from work and school that is for me...and only me...i god i miss my friends....and i love dan...and im terrified of what i might turn into...and im so terrified i wont be happy... | | |
| so...all of you are in exams now...so i probably wont here from anyone in forever...sigh...im gonna write another bad entry....today really is like the worst day ever...i have had like four hours of sleep in the past week because of school exams, and work, and trying to deal with my boyfriend...and life in general...so i have to write what just happened because i miss my friends sooo much i think my heart might pop. i can't find anyones cell phone number again....and anyway its like 4:30 in the morning anyways. so today was an ok day....i took an exam at school didnt do that welll...got back a grade for something and didnt do as well as i thought i deserved...but whatever the class is done...so its alright i guess...so also i forgot to start properly..i left one thing out...last night dan's mom got really sick and had to go to the emergency room. so i was up until 3:30 am and then woke up like 3 hours later to take a test....and then dan's sister, who has a one and a half year-old son had work and since her mom couldnt babysit she asked me too...so i spent like an hour in which i wanted to sleep cleaning my house for the baby. so dan came over...and said his mom was home from the hospital and she wanted to pretend like she wasnt sick so she wanted to watch the baby...so i was ok...we'll wait for you sister to call before we go out...so we wait and then we call her and she's like, oh yeah, i dont need your help my parents are gonna watch him afterall...so dont worry...oh and actually she didnt say this.....her mom did, because she had left a message for me (aparently- but no message is to be found) and didnt try calling again...so whatever i was annoyed...mostly because by then my day was gone and i couldnt go to sleep because it was too late in the day...so instead me and dan went out to dinner....now i have to side track and explain some other background shit....so as im sure you've heard...last night the lead singer from pantera died...he got shot in the head 6 times at a concert when he was on stage....its a huge deal to my boyfriend and all his friends because they really LOVE and i mean LOVE the band...and pantera is all about brotherhood....and the whole thing is just fucked up...so dan was sad...about his mom...(but he wouldnt talk about it because he's a guy) and he was almost in tears over the pantera thing......but whatever...we went out to dinner...we had a lovely dinner....and then after dinner all his friends started calling...so we go and hang out with various people...and i always have to be happy and cool...even though i know a lot of his friends hate my guts....cause they've all known each other since high sschool...and they have that thing ill never have...you know where they have had the same friends forever...and they dont move...and things dont change...so new people are not accepted...so anyways...we end up at the apartement where dan used to live...(dan left that apartement because me and his best friend who lived their didnt get along...and mark, the friend, was being mean to dan to punish me....but that's a whole different story) so anyways everything was fine...i was being nice...(just so you know i always try to be nice...im not like some super-bitch controlling girlfriend) and then dan....decided to go get some alcohol to mourn the death of the singer...not only does he want to get alcohol...he wants to do shots of whiskey...now why is this important...well this is important because dan doesnt have a car...so dan doesnt drive anywhere...i do...i mean he puts gas in the car and he's trying to buiy a car...but that doesnt change the fact that i have to drive everywhere...and it gets exhausting and annoying...and it feels like i spend all of my life in a fucking car...so anyhow...i cant drink...much less do shots before driving....but i also cant leave because then dan will be upset and will feel bad and like he has to leave because he doesnt want me to be left out...but anyways...i tell him when we go to buy the alcohol(guess who's driving???) that im sorry and that he doesnt need to feel bad...but that i dont want to stay and watch everyone drink...he got really sad...and was like...well then im leaving(ill explain why this is important for him not to do later) so im like no it's fine, ill just sit with you....and he was like dont be bad, and you wont be the only one sober and this is for the band...and he was being very sweet...so anyways...we go back to the apartement, and i go to the bathroom and dan talks with me in the bathroom and then we walk out and everyone is pouring their shots...and mark...dans best friend is like everyone get a shot everyone get a shot....so whatever i go sit down on the couch and im trying to amuse myself so dan doesnt need to feel bad....but im feeling really left out...but anyways dan goes to get his shot and mark's like where's your girlfriend she needs to do a shot....and hes like she isnt drinking...and mark is like come one, neither was my girlfriend but look at her...and im like no im not drinking...and dan's is like, 'leave her alone she has to drive' and Marks says, (i didnt hear this by the way- so what happened after her said it had nothing to do with me) mark says, 'let me put it this way drinking is a requirement to be in this house'. so dan gets really really really really angry and says, fuck you im not drinking either and we're leaving'....so im sitting there not knowing what happened and then we go...now....before i go on i have to explain the history of mark and me....Mark has known dan since they were sixteen...mark is stubborn, aggressive, argumentitive, and very possessive, of people, things, ideas, everything...he has a really hard time seeing other people point of views....i honestly dont think he's a bad guy....but we just dont mix...i think its becuase im not stubborn and i cant deal with that shit...but its cool because mark is dan's best friend, right? welll for the first month i knew dan, mark just pretended i didnt exist...i mean he talked wiht me...but as little as possible. he wasnt mean, just cold. nobody noticed except me and him...and dan was just excited because we clicked so well, and he hadnt had a good girlfriend before...so i excepted that mark didnt want to be my friend and thats cool...its hurt my feelings, but like i say, i dont realy mix with his personality and dan wasnt bothered by it, and everything was cool...things got serious between me and dan, and finally things were bad enough with mark that i bitched at dan about it...dan didnt know what to do, because he felt like we wanted him to choose between us...but i didnt, i think mark was genuinley starting to realize that i wasnt some dumb slut that was leaving soon, so he started to try to get to know me...and ill be the first to admit, i wasnt a little sweet heart...he had hurt my feelings, and i felt really protective of my relationship with dan, because it was so new, and i was also on the defensive because im so young, and im richer than them and i've been more places....and that but me on the outside...and it hurt...so i felt like i needed to prove myself to everyone...that i made dan happy and i deserved to be with him as much as them...but that failed...mark just thought i was a bitch who wanted to steal dan from him..when really i just wanted recognition...so anyways...time passed...things were shit with me and mark..we each thought it the other one's fault....when really we just needed to acknowledge that we dont like each other, but that we have to be civil because we both care about dan...so anyways, i was open about hating mark...i was honest, i always sad the same thing, 'i dont like him, but i can respect him as dan's friend' and i guess a month ago somebody said i was talking shit about mark, and in a backward way...he made dan's life hell, i think maybe to test his loyalty...and dan got fed up and left the apartement....now dan cant hold grugdes...he's incapable....he has like a short memory and a pot-head mentality that says, it's ok, shit happens....so while i was furious with mark now, for hurting my boyfriend because of me, dan stayed mad for exactly three days...and then started hanging out with him again...and you'd better believ i was pissed...i was fucking mad as all hell...because i felt like it proved that mark wasnt a true friend and that i wasnt wrong...and felt like it betrayed me that dan was with him hanging out.....so in some ways, i was being as stupided and hurtful as mark...and the real bitch of it is...neither of us saw it...so anyways...last week after the entry i wrote about the shit day....i thought long and hard...i told dan that i was sorry for making his life hard and that even though i hated mark..i needed to hang out with him and be civil so dan didnt get torn apart...man oh man dan has never been so happy...i felt good....i felt like i was finally being mature and learning not to worry about stupid things... i love dan. he loves me, regardless of his friends, great, right? but the problem was...mark hadnt heard any of this....he still thought i was a bitch and when we hung out and he was "nice" to me...and i was "nice" to him...but i guess secretly he was thinking i was hating him and still trying to get dan...but i didnt realize this...but of course faking it never works...and since neither me of mark ever talked..mostly because dan told me not too, because i might fuck everything up and make mark mad. So all this fake nice was bound to explode sometime. and i guess tonight it did....and ironically it was dan who accidently exploded it...not me or mark. so without realizing dan walked out of that apartament...and that reflected on me...because mark thought i told dan we had to leave, that i was talking shit, and that i wasnt drinking because i wanted to prove that i wasnt going to be his friend...and i knew this...i asked dan over and over and over if he wanted to please go back upstairs and talkt to mark..to explain...but nobody explains shit to mark....so dan calls mark and tells him why he's mad...and everyone at the apartament is aparently mad at us and mark is telling dan that he cant be friends with him and be dating me...and so i realize how much i had helped to fuck things up...and i call mark...and i tell him, i dont like you, but i respect you, and we could talk about shit from the past for hours, but if you love your best friend dan, we have to sort this out, mark just wont hear it, and hangs up on me...(see my predicament- i may not be a sweetheart to mark...but mark wont even listen to a thing because he's fucking convinced that this is my fault and dan's fault) dan's almost in tears and i feel like shit, because mark is really fucking mean when he decides to be...and i realize that i cant fix this...and if dan wants to fix this he needs to talk to mark...and later i can talk with mark...but obviously the really problem lies between him and mark...mark feels rejected...and he wont hear a word from my mouth until dan can prove that he's not just siding with me....and i realize also that i sincerely dont give a flying fuck about mark...i care only about dan...and this time i meant it...so anyways i was crying because i feel like people here misjudge me..everything always wants to assume the worst...and it hurts...mid-western-suburban-americans are so fucking closed...its like fuck you foriegn freaks, we've got our friends and well let you hang out with us...but you'll never be one of the group....and it hurts...its hurts worse than anything because...while dan may worry about his best friends fighting...at leat his best friends live on the same fucking continent...and all i kept thinking tonight is...im so tired of being the outsider, the new kid, the girl from london, dan's girlfriend, im tired of being hurt and judged and shut out...i will never ever be part of a group..except that ones that i know. the ones where being from a different place is allowed...people learn that its ok, to have to move and it's ok to meet new people, and make new ideas...and thats what i miss more than anything in the whole fucking world, thats what makes me cry, and what makes me work my ass off to come to marymount graduation...i love you all, i love knowing there are people who dont mind the little thing...dont think im stuck-up because i got to move when i was little..and people who think its ok, to think outside of their safety zone...i mean for christ's sake, i think its amazing that all the boarders at marymount, especially the girls who dont speak english, leave everything behind, and try something so frightening and great...without even realizing that they are doing something most people are terrified of...and if i can live through marymount...then i can live through whatever shit losers from here put me through...im not fucking going away...dan loves me and he's not going to leave me...and i dont need people to like me...i know who realy friends are...and i know good people when i see them...things suck today...but i think tomorrow ill wake up and feel clearer than i have in forever...becuase im not stuck here like most of these fucks...i dont live in a box...or a town...or even a cournty...and i live in the world...and i can go wherever i want...i can do things on my own...and i dont need to belong to a specific set of people....because i already do...oh god...lol...no one is going to read this entry...but i feel better...lol...thanks if you did read it..lol | | |
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